Commentary on 'Orchard road facelift'
- Introductory Paragraph
- Thesis Statement
- Blueprint
- Body Paragraphs (x2)
- Topic Sentence
- Specific Support
- Evidence
- Explanation of Evidence
- Concluding Paragraph
- Reworded Thesis Statement
The makeover of Orchard Road has brought about much discontent within both Singaporeans and foreigners alike. Many complain about the problems it has brought about. For example, designer Josephine Jane has said that it does not look finished, and the flower totems that were supposed to add to the beauty of the place, only ended up blocking the view of pedestrians. Retiree Rosy Ong also commented that despite spending so much money to make the Orchard Road a greener placer, the dead leaves on the floor just made all the effort go down the drain. There exist also comments on the glass panels that seem to spoil the look of the place. All these comments go to show how STB has not achieved its goal of beautifying the place and attracting more tourists. Hence the $40-million makeover has proven has not had the impact in wanted to, and ended up going down the drain.
The makeover of Orchard road, which has cost $40-million, could have been spent better to make Orchard Road more attractive. Some passers-by said that the money could have gone into maintaining the place instead of upgrading it and event went on to specify that the pavements looked very dirty and the flooring very old. Also, salses promoter Nicholas Poh,18, said that the money could have been used to build a bridge across the road, which would have helped the situation better. Such examples go to show how the makeover could have been improved by spending the money on different areas to attract tourists.
This essay has why the makeover was not worth huge amount of $40-million spent on it. The money could have been put to better use in attracting tourists and developing the image of Singapore.

4 Comments:
1) It's great to see your draft process, but I'll need you to hide the draft (either edit it and then 'save now', or delete it) by the time we get to class this Monday.
2) "This essay will explore the various negatives of the makeover, and eventually prove that it was not worth the huge amount." This part isn't really needed in your essay.
3) I would question whether your topic sentences and specific support (in your arguments) are correctly matched, in the second paragraph.
Thesis statement: various negatives of the makeover, and eventually prove that it was not worth the huge amount.
blueprint:yes
topic sentence #1: the problems that the makeover brought about
evidence: yes, not valid. you said there were problems. but in the end you said "STB has not achieved its goal of beautifying the place and attracting more tourists. Hence the $40-million makeover has proven has not had the impact in wanted to, and ended up going down the drain.
" didnt mention brings about problems? so what was your main point of the para
topic sentence #2:could have been spent better to make Orchard Road more attractive.
evidence: yes, valid
This comment has been removed by the author.
LOL the points are already posted out for me so I will pretend I didn't see them.
Introduction to context is clear and crystal clear (XD). Blueprint is also evident. Great outline at start of essay.
2 topics only, how come three at start? Anyway topic sentences are clear.
1)problems regarding makeover
2)Better spent?
What happened to the third one but never mind cos im lazy to read all.
Evidence is used and substantiated in the second argument as well as the first.
Conclusion seems weird, more like something you would put at the beginning.
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